Authentic Happiness and finding Meaning in Life

I finished reading Martin E. P. Seligman's Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment a few days ago and have written about positive psychology, the main concepts of this book, how authentic happiness and positive psychology can help you have a better marriage, and how to apply positive psychology to childrearing.

But I also want to share with you Seligman's discussion of finding meaning and purpose in life.

First, Seligman mentions receiving an advance copy of Robert Wright's Nonzero: The Logic Of Human Destiny.

Click here to view the table of contents and to read excerpts on the author's website and click here to read a review of Nonzero in the NYTimes Book Review.

Nonzero uses game theory to develop a philosophy of history answering the question, what is the purpose in evolution? Wright believes as Seligman writes, "We are, at this moment, living through the end of the storm before the calm. The Internet, globalization, and the absence of nuclear war are not happenstance. They are almost inevitable products of a species selected for more win-win scenarios. The species stands at an inflection point after which the human future will be much be much happier than the human past."

Nonzero a follow-up to Wright's The Moral Animal: Why We Are, the Way We Are: The New Science of Evolutionary Psychology (named one of the 12 best books of 1994 by NYTimes Book Review), which I bought recently at a local library book sale.

But back to Authentic Happiness. Seligman proposes that negative emotion evolved to help us in win-loss situations and that positive emotions have evolved to motivate and guide us through win-win situations. Of negative emotion, Seligman writes,

When we are in deadly competition, when it is eat or be eaten, fear or anxiety are our motivators and our guides. When we are struggling to avoid loss or to repel trespass, sadness and anger are our motivators and our guides. When we feel a negative emotion, it is a signal that we are in a win-loss game. Such emotions set up an action repertoire that fights, flees, or gives up. These emotions also activate a mindset that is analytical and narrows our focus so nothing but the problem at hand is present.

I don't know if I agree with the analytical part but the rest makes sense to me. Of positive emotion, Seligman writes,

When we are in a situation in which everyone might benefit - courting, hunting together, raising children, cooperating, planting seeds, teaching and learning - joy, good cheer, contentment, and happiness motivate us and guide our actions. Positive emotions are part of a sensory system that alerts to us the presence of a potential win-win. They also set up an action repertoire and a mindset that broadens and builds abiding intellectual and social resources. Positive emotions, in short, build the cathedrals of our lives.

Seligman concludes Authentic Happiness with his belief that evolution may be bringing us to God who is not supernatural or the creator of the universe, but one who acquires omnipotence, omniscience, and goodness through the natural progression of win-win. It is our responsibility to further this progress.

You are vouchsafes the choice of what course to take in life. You can choose a life that forwards these aims, to a greater or lesser degree. Or you can, quite easily, choose a life that has nothing to do with these aims. You can even choose a life that actively impedes them. You can choose a life built around increasing knowledge: learning, teaching, educating children, science, literature, journalism, and so many more opportunities. You can choose a life built around increasing power through technology, engineering, construction, health services, or manufacturing. Or you can choose a life built around increasing goodness through the law, policing, firefighting, religion, ethics, politics, national service, or charity.

But ultimately finding meaning in life means to find happiness by using your signature strengths everyday in the main realms of living and to forward knowledge, power, or goodness.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants a better life. Can't wait to learn more about positive psychology!

Authentic Happiness and Raising Children

I finished reading Martin E. P. Seligman's Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment a few days ago and have written about positive psychology, the main concepts of this book, and how authentic happiness and positive psychology can help you have a better marriage.

But I also want to share with you Seligman's advice on raising kids. I don't have any myself but hope to one day. And I want to remember these ideas when I do.

Seligman believes that a parent's primary jobs are to help his/her children build their strengths and to increase position emotion because:

• Positive emotion broadens and builds the intellectual, social and physical resources that your children draw upon later in life.
• Augmenting positive emotions in your children can start an upward spiral of positive emotion.
• The positive traits that your child displays are just as real and authentic as his or her negative ones.

Additionally, secure attachment will allow your child to begin exploring and gaining mastery more quickly.

Here are Seligman's eight techniques for building positive emotion:

1. Sleeping with Your Baby. For at least the first three months of your child's life, have your baby sleep in your bed with you and your spouse. Seligman gives three reasons for this:

• Amai - "When the baby always wakes up to find her parents right next to her, fear of abandonment wanes and a sense of security grows...the parents interact with the baby as she goes to sleep, in the middle of the night should she awaken, and in the morning when she wakes up. Further, when the baby finds that she does not have to cry at length to get fed in the middle of the night, endless bouts of crying are not reinforced. All of this feeds into the Japanese idea of amai, the sense of being cherished and the expectation of being loved that children raised correctly attain."
• Safety - If your baby is right next to you when a farfetched event occurs (sudden illness, fire, flood, intruders, etc) you will be more likely to be able to save his life.
• Adventures with Daddy - Moms do most of the child-rearing in our culture and sleeping with your baby makes it easier for the Dad to forge a bond with your infant.

2. Synchrony Games. Help your child learn that "her actions influence the actions of the people she loves - that she matters." Choose toys that respond to what the baby does. Some cheap options Seligman mentions:

• stackable blocks (you stack, infant knocks them over; as he/she gets older, he/she can stack them on his/her own)
• books and magazines (let your baby tear up old magazines and catalogs)
• cardboard boxes (cut some holes in them and let your child play away)

3. No and Yes. Limit "No's" and use other words when possible. This does not mean to say yes to everything. This means to say "Gentle" or "Quiet down" or "Let's add this toy to your birthday wish list when we get home."

4. Praise and Punishment. This does not mean to praise your child regardless of what he/she does. "Love, affection, warmth, and ebullience should all be delivered unconditionally. The more of these, the more positive the atmosphere, and the more secure your child will be. The more secure he is, the more he will explore and find mastery. But praise is an altogether different matter. Praise your child contingent on success, not just to make him feel better, and grade your praise to fit the accomplishment. Wait until he actually fits the little peg man into the car before applauding, and do not treat the achievement as if it were amazing. Save your expressions of highest praise for more major accomplishments, like saying his sister's name or catching a ball for the first time." Try to avoid punishing your child if there is an effective alternative. When you are punishing your child though, "make sure he knows exactly what action he is being punished for. Do not indict the child or his character; indict the specific action only."

5. Sibling Rivalry. Be aware of sibling rivalry and create chores to help each sibling feel special and secure.

6. Bedtime Nuggets. Seligman says "those three minutes right before your child falls asleep can be the most precious of the day." He recommends spending fifteen minutes before bed doing these two activities

• Best Moments - help your children have twice as many good thoughts as bad thoughts per day ("a positive state-of mind ratio") since two University of Pittsburgh psychologists have found that happier people have a 2:1 positive state-of mind ratio (depressed people have a 1:1 ratio). Do this by asking your child what he/she liked doing today. Keep asking him/her to tell you more good things/happy thoughts until you've gotten five or more out of him/her. As your kids get older (five or older), also ask them what they are looking forward to tomorrow. This builds the strength of future-mindedness.
• Dreamland - Ask your child to think of a really happy picture in their heads, describe it, concentrate on it, and give it a name in words. Tell your kid, "As you drift into sleep now, I want you to do three things. First, keep the picture in your head; second, say the name over and over as you fall asleep; and third, intend to have a dream about it." Seligman says this will increase the likelihood that your child will have a relevant happy dream. This is important since research shows that depressed people have dreams filled with losing, defeat and rejection.

7. Making a Deal. As a last resort, only after nothing else works to get a child to behave, "make a deal" with your child; offer to give him a prize (often a new toy) if he starts doing a specific "good" behavior or stops doing a specific "bad" behavior but that if he breaks his promise he will lose the new prize/toy for one week and if he breaks his promise twice he will lose the prize/toy forever. "Making a deal with a four-year-old implies some significant assumptions: that parents can contract with a child so young, that a reward can precede rather than follow the behavior to be strengthened, and that your child expects that if he misbehaves he will both break his promise and lose his new-found prize. In short, it assumes that your child is future-minded."

8. New Year's Resolutions. Make new year's resolutions with your children and even hold a midsummer review to check on how you've done. Make sure the resolutions include correcting shortcomings AND positive accomplishments that build on strengths.

Seligman's final childrearing advice is to help your child to display his/her burgeoning signature strengths in the course of your normal daily activities and when they are displayed, acknowledge them with a name.

And lastly one disclaimer, Seligman home-schools his kids. Of this he says,

Because we are home-schoolers, we can tailor our curriculum to the signature strengths of each child. I hasten to add that we are not proselytizing home-schoolers; I ork with many public and private schools and have enormous respect for how well teachers do. We home-school because (a) we travel a great deal and can build our kids' education around our travels, (b) we are both dedicated teachers, and (c) we did not want to turn over to strangers the joys of watching our children grow.That said, I want to illustrate designing family activities to use each of your child's signature strengths with one course from this year's curriculum.

Mandy decided that she would teach geology this year. All of the children like rocks, and geology is an excellent route into chemistry, paleontology, and economics. Each child has a special slant on minerals and a special assignment catering to their specific strengths. Nikki, with her social intelligence and love of beauty, is doing gems and jewelry. Her special topic is how minerals have created beauty in costumes and in social life. Lara, with her strength of fairness, wants to study oil monopolies, including John D. Rockefeller, and his turn toward philanthropy. Darryl has already started his rock collection, and has prevailed on our plumber (Steve Warnek, who is also a mineralogist by avocation) to take him on field trips. He has collected a huge number of specimens, and his persistence and industry loom large on these trips.

Will write about what Authentic Happiness has to say about finding meaning and purpose in life later today or tomorrow.

I read the first four chapters of Jonathan Haidt's The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom yesterday and I've just finished the book (chapters 5 - 11).

I suppose I did enjoy this book, but I liked Martin Seligman's Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment better because Seligman seemed to use more science and research to back up his theories whereas Haidt, who studied philosophy in college, also used science and research but focused more on philosophy and religion. I guess that should have been obvious from the subtitle huh (Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom)?

I do like quotes though -- Haidt says in chapter ten "Proverbs, sayings, and words of wisdom dignify events, so we often use them to mark important transitions in life" -- and I think Haidt has done a fantastic job picking out the quotes that begin each chapter.

The quotes that start Chapter Five, The Pursuit of Happiness, are:

Good men, at all times, surrender in truth all attachments. The holy spend not idle words on tings of desire. When pleasure or pain comes to them, the wise feel above pleasure and pain. - Buddha

Do not seek to have events happen as you want them to, but instead want them to happen as they happen, and your life will go well. - Epictetus

I made great works; I built houses and planted vineyards for myself; I made myself gardens and parks, and planted in them all kinds of fruit trees . . . I also had great possessions of herds and flocks, more than any who had been before me in Jerusalem. I also gathered for myself silver and gold and the treasure of kings and of the provinces; I got singers, both men and women, and delights of the flesh, and many concubines. So I became great and surpassed all who were before me in Jerusalem; also my wisdom remained with me. Whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them. Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had spent in doing it, and again, all was vanity and a chasing after the wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun. - Ecclesiastes 2:11

Haidt uses these quotes to illustrate that Buddhism and Stoicism (of which Epictetus is a philosopher) teach that happiness can only be found within, by breaking attachments to external things and people because to make the world conform to your wishes is always striving after wind.

He then teaches readers the "adaptation principle," that people's judgments about their present state are based on whether it is better or worse than the state to which they accustomed.

We are all stuck on what has been called the "hedonistic treadmill." On an exercise treadmill you can increase the speed all you want, and accumulate all the riches, fruit trees, and concubines you want, but you can't get ahead. Because you can't change your "natural and usual state of tranquility," the riches you accumulate will just raise your expectations and leave you no better off than you were before. Yet, not realizing he futility of our efforts, we continue to strive, all the while doing things that help us win at the game of lie. Always wanting more than we have, we run and run and run, like hamsters on a wheel.

Well doesn't that sound sad! Thankfully, I was taught this concept at a young age and I'd like to think that I've at least turned down the speed of my hedonistic treadmill. After all, I drive a used car, replace my cell phone just once every 5 years (and only after it breaks), replace my computer only after it more or less stops working, and as the years go by I purchase fewer and fewer items of clothing. My main vice, however, is the purchase of books. I own about 400 books and it brings me so much pleasure that I continue to buy more and more books.

Haidt then goes on to illustrate using psychology research the errors in the beliefs that non-attachment is required for true happiness and changing external factors does not increase happiness. Research shows that we all have a set range of happiness but that external conditions influence where we are on that set range:

• Noise - Variable or intermittent noise interferes with concentration and increases stress.
• Commuting - Even after years of commuting, those whose commutes are traffic-filled still arrive at work with higher levels of stress hormones.
• Lack of control - One of the reasons noise and traffic affect happiness is that you can't control them. Changing an institution's environment to increase the sense of control among its residents, workers, students, patients, or other users is one of the most effective possible ways to increase their sense of happiness.
• Shame - Surprisingly, people who undergo plastic surgery report (on average) high levels of satisfaction with the process, and they even report increases in the quality of their lives and decreases in psychiatric symptoms (such as depression and anxiety) in the years after the operation. The biggest gains were for breast reductions and breast augmentations. Haidt explains this increase in well being as resulting from being freed from the shame and self-consciousness of being "different."
• Relationships - Good relationships make people happy, and happy people enjoy more and better relationships than unhappy people. But having conflict in relationships reduces that happiness because we never adapt to interpersonal conflict and even on days when you don't see the people you have conflict with, you may think about it.

And then he summarizes Seligman's research into the distinction between pleasures and gratifications and how using your signature strengths can increase your happiness.

Then Haidt discusses Robert Frank's research (which was new to me) that theorizes that money does buy happiness but that you have to spend it properly. The problem is that most Americans are too focused on conspicuous consumption -- goods whose value come less from their objective properties and more from the statement they make about the owner -- which is more subject to an "arms race" (if you're neighbors all upgrade to luxury cars, you'd probably feel a bit inadequate). Inconspicuous consumption -- goods and activities that are valued for themselves, that are usually consumed more privately, and that are not bought for the purpose of achieving status (such as taking long vacations or having short commutes). So to "buy" happiness, spend less on expensive material possessions (usually purchased partly to impress other people) and spend more on activities with other people. Haidt also discusses Barry Schwartz's The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less, which I have borrowed from the library as well and I'm even more excited to read it now.

This chapter concludes with the idea that Buddha's philosophy of non-attachment may have been an over-reaction and that in our modern world, to cut off all attachments is an inappropriate response to the inevitable presence of some suffering in life.

Chapter Six, Love and Attachments, is about the idea that we all need other people (both for close relationships and for physical touch) and thus starts with these quotes:

No one can live happily who has regard to himself alone and transforms everything into a question of his own utility; you must live for your neighbor, if you would live for yourself. - Seneca

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. - John Donne

Attachment Theory, developed by John Bowlby, states that two basic goals guide children's behavior:

• safety - a child who stays safe survives
• exploration - a child who explores and plays develops the skills and intelligence needed for adult life

As Haidt says:

So if you want your children to grow up to be healthy and independent, you should hold them, hug them, cuddle them, and love them. Give them a secure base and they will explore and then conquer the world on their own.

He then delves into research on styles of love, which I learned about from Seligman's Authentic Happiness and wrote about here. What's new from The Happiness Hypothesis is that when oxytocin (a stress hormone in women) floods the brains of both men and women while two people are physically touching, the effect is soothing and calming and it strengthens the bond (attachment) between them. And for adults, the biggest rush of oxytocin comes from sex.

Perhaps the rush of oxytocin is what people think of when they talk about "true" love? Well actually Haidt says that its dopamine that is affected in passionate love and also discusses the myth of "true" love, a passionate love that never fades and that you can find "true" love if you just find the right person; if you are in true love you should marry him/her but if love ends you should leave that person because it means it was not "true" love.

Ugh, I find it infuriating that TV, movies, and even "chick lit" to some extent perpetuates this myth. I think so many people end perfectly good relationships because their expectations of "true" love are skewed.

As Haidt writes, often times "if the lovers had stuck it out, if they had given companionate love a chance to grow, they might have found true love." True love here meaning strong companionate love with some added passion between two people who are firmly committed to each other. Companionate love grows slowly over the years as a couple begins to rely upon, care for, and trust each other.

Chapter Seven, The Uses of Adversity, is about the weaknesses in the theory that people need adversity, setbacks, and perhaps even trauma to gain strength, fulfillment, and personal development. In the last fifteen years, research has shown that severe stress can produce benefits in three primary ways:

• Hidden Abilities - Rising to a challenge reveals your hidden abilities and seeing these abilities change your self-concept. People realize that they are much stronger than they realized and gain the confidence to face future challenges.
• Relationships - Adversity separates the fair-weather friends from the true, strengthens relationships and opens people's hearts to one another.
• Presentness - Trauma changes priorities and philosophies to the present and realize that life is a gift that they have been taking for granted, and that people matter more than money.

Haidt also discusses Robert Emmons's research that life goals can be sorted into four categories: work and achievement, relationships and intimacy, religion and spirituality, and generativity (leaving a legacy and contributing something to society). People whose goals are primarily work and achievement related tend to be less happy, on average, than those who generally strive towards the other three goals likely because work and achievement related happiness tends to be short lived.

Thus when tragedy strikes and achievement goals lose their allure, people often shift towards the other types of goals and find themselves happier.

Haidt also discusses Jamie Pennebaker's research that getting people to make progress towards resolving their problems by writing about them can result in better health! This, Haidt explains, is why meditation, cognitive therapy, and SSRIs work -- all three make you less negative and more positive and therefore more able to withstand future adversity, find meaning in it, and grow from it.

So adversity is good, but is it good for children too? Haidt states that major adversity is unlikely to have any benefits for children (though children are not as easily damaged by one-time events as most people think) and that chronic conditions are much more important. But adversity between the ages of fifteen and twenty five -- when young people, at least in Western countries, make many of the choices that will define their lives, when they experience their first love, college, intellectual growth, living and traveling independently -- can be beneficial as it is an important period of identity formation. But people who face adversity after the age of thirty may be less likely to grow from their experiences.

Haidt concludes chapter seven with the idea that life's most important lessons cannot be taught directly with this quote:

We do not receive wisdom, we must discover it for ourselves, after a journey through the wilderness which no one else can make for us, which no one can spare us, for our wisdom is the point of view from which we come at last to regard the world. - Marcel Proust.

Chapter Eight, The Felicity of Virtue, starts out with yet another quote from Buddha and one from Epicurus:

It is impossible to live the pleasant life without also living sensibly, nobly and justly, and it is impossible to live sensibly, nobly ad justly without living pleasantly. - Epicurus

Set your heart on dong good. Do it over and over again, and you will be filled with joy. A fool is happy until his mischief turns against him. And a good man may suffer until his goodness flowers. - Buddha

A discussion of virtue would not be complete without Benjamin Franklin (his Poor Richard's Almanack was a compendium of sayings and maxims and was a bestseller in his day), and Haidt spends several pages on the importance Franklin placed on virtue and the techniques he employed to become more virtuous. Franklin used a virtue table made up of seven columns (one for each day of the week) and thirteen rows (one for each virtue) and he put a black spot in the appropriate square if he failed to live a whole day in accordance with a particular virtue. Concentrating on only one virtue a week -- while still filling in the other rows when violations occurred -- and then repeating the process, Franklin found that the table got less and less spotty.

The moral rule that I liked the best from this chapter was Immanuel Kant's that for moral rules to be laws, they had to be universally applicable. So conversely, people should think about whether the moral rules guiding their own actions could reasonably be proposed as universal laws to decide whether they are acting morally.

Haidt also discusses the virtues and strengths of character of positive psychology, which I learned about from Seligman's Authentic Happiness and wrote about here, and that becoming virtuous and working on your strengths is hard work but should be thought of as intrinsically rewarding; virtue should be its own reward. What The Happiness Hypothesis emphasizes is the importance of working on your strengths, not fixing your weaknesses. I feel like today we are all aiming to be well-rounded and oftentimes that result is that we're all just okay at everything instead of being excellent at some things and just okay at others. So constraint in the form of morals is good for us. So good that:

One of the best predictors of the health of an American neighborhood is the degree to which adults respond to the misdeeds of other people's children. When community standards are enforced, there is constraint and cooperation. When everyone minds his own business and looks the other way, there is freedom and anomie [the condition of a society in which there are no clear rules, norms or standards of value.

Additionally, Haidt mentions the research that happy people are kinder and more helpful than those who are less happy partly explaining why people who do volunteer work are happier and healthier people than those who don't. But research also shows that adults, and especially the elderly, who give more help and support to friends and relatives live longer than those who give less. And volunteer work, particularly that which involves direct person-to-person helping or is done through a religious organization, does increase happiness and well-being.

Haidt appropriately wraps up this chapter on a discussion of the morals of conservatives versus liberals (in terms of politics), which brings us to chapter Nine, Divinity With or Without God, which starts out with these quotes:

We must not allow the ignoble to injure the noble, or the smaller to injure the greater. Those who nourish the smaller parts will become small men. Those who nourish the greater parts will become great men. - Meng Tzu, 3rd Century BCE

God created the angels from intellect without sensuality, the beasts from sensuality without intellect, and humanity from both intellect and sensuality. So when a person's intellect overcomes his sensuality, he is better than the angels, but when his sensuality overcomes his intellect, he is worse than the beasts. - Muhammad

And describes Edwin A. Abbot's Flatland -- a short novel that takes place in a two-dimensional world whose inhabitants are geometric and the protagonist is a square who is visited by a sphere from the three-dimensional world Spaceland -- as a metaphor for understanding morality, religion, and the human quest for meaning. When the sphere visits Flatland, all the Flatlanders can see is the part of the sphere that is in their two-dimensional world -- a circle that grows and shrinks as the sphere moves in the third dimension. When the square finally sees for himself the third dimension, the square is awestruck. Haidt compares each of us to the square before his enlightenment. He imagines us going through our social world with a horizontal dimension of closeness or liking and a vertical dimension of hierarchy or status and claims:

that the human mind perceives a third dimension, a specifically moral dimension . . . "divinity" . . . that [is] not assuming that God exists and is there to be perceived . . . Rather . . . that the human mind simply does perceive divinity and sacredness, whether or not God exists.

Haidt's descriptions of divinity seem a lot like Seligman's description in Authentic Happiness of the category of virtue called spirituality and transcendence. The Happiness Hypothesis philosophizes about the role of transcendence in every day life and specifically how political liberals and conservatives differ in their views -- liberals want to maximize autonomy by removing limits, barriers and restrictions while conservatives want to structure personal, social, and political relationships in three dimensions (as Haidt, a self-described liberal defines them) and so create a world of purity and pollution where restrictions maintain the separation of the sacred from the profane. (Haidt spends a large part of the conclusion, Chapter Eleven, on the differences between liberals and conservatives.)

And that brings us to Chapter Ten, Happiness Comes from Between, which discusses the meaning of life. First Haidt analyzes the different meanings of the word meaning: definitional, symbolism or substitution, help in making sense of something. Using the third meaning of the word meaning, Haidt re-frames the question "What is the meaning of life" to "Tell me something enlightening about life" and breaks it down into two sub-questions:

• Purpose of life - What is the purpose for which human beings were placed on Earth? Why are we here?
• Purpose within life - How ought I to live? What should I do to have a good, happy, fulfilling, and meaningful life?

Haidt chooses to focus on the question of finding purpose within life and says that people are like plants:

As long as they are not completely dead, they will spring back to full and glorious life if you just get the conditions right. You can't fix a plant; you can only give it the right conditions -- water, sun, soil -- and then wait. It will do the rest.

If people are like plants, then the conditions that we need to flourish are:

• Love (chapter six) - we are ultrasocial creatures and cannot be happy without friends and secure attachments to other people.
• Having and pursuing the right goals (chapter seven) - those which create states of flow and vital engagement; find work that is not just a job or even a career but a calling -- work that utilizes your signature strengths and that you find intrinsically fulfilling that you see as contributing to the greater good or as playing a role in some worthy (as you define it) larger enterprise.

If this sounds a lot like Authentic Happiness, it shouldn't surprise you since both authors have used positive psychology to determine how to find meaning in life. But again, Haidt is more philosophical before coming to his conclusion:

Happiness comes from between. Happiness is not something that you can find, acquire, or achieve directly. You have to get the conditions right and then wait. Some of those conditions are within you, such as coherence among the parts and levels of your personality. Other conditions require relationships to things beyond you; Just as plans need sun, water, and good soil to thrive, people need love, work, and a connection to something larger. It is worth striving to get the right relationships between yourself and others, between yourself and your work, and between yourself and something larger than yourself. If you get these relationships right, a sense of purpose and meaning will emerge.

Haidt's The Happiness Hypothesis was worth reading, though I think I would have enjoyed it much more had I read it before, not after, Seligman's Authentic Happiness.

The Happiness Hypothesis: The Divided Self, Changing Your Mind, Reciprocity with a Vengeance, The Faults of Others

I've read the first four chapters of Jonathan Haidt's The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom and so far I'm not sure whether I like it better or the same as Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment by Martin E. P. Seligman.

First, in Chapter One, Haidt discusses the weaknesses of the theories of rational choice and information processing in psychology. But last month I enjoyed reading The Logic of Life: The Rational Economics of an Irrational World by Tim Harford and was convinced by Harford's rational economics explanations of seemingly irrational choices (gambling, the teenage oral sex craze, crime) that are in fact logical and rational. Harford also shows that individual rational behavior doesn't always lead to socially desired outcomes.

Click here to read an excerpt from The Logic of Life from the Random House website, or click here to read a review by the NYTimes Book Review or here to read a review by the Economist.

So the first few pages of chapter one of The Happiness Hypothesis made me skeptical. But the rest of chapter one, The Divided Self, is about how the mind is divided into parts - in four ways - that sometimes conflict:

• Mind vs. Body - The Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) controls many bodily functions. The ANS is part of the peripheral nervous system and is a network of nerves that controls the organs and glands of our bodies. The ANS is independent of voluntary or intentional control. In addition, the Enteric Nervous System or "gut brain" is a network of more than 100 million neurons that processes all the food we eat and makes decisions on its own and continues to function even if the vagus nerve (which connects the "gut brain" to the brain) is severed.
• Left vs. Right - The human brain has two separate hemispheres joined by the corpus callosum, the largest single bundle of nerves in the entire body. The corpus collosum allows the brain's two halves to communicate and coordinate their activity. The left hemisphere receives nerve transmissions from the right half of your body and sends out commands to control the right half of your body; and the right hemisphere deals with the left half of your body. The left hemisphere is specialized for language processing, analytical skills, and detail-oriented activities. The right hemisphere is better at processing patterns in space particularly the face.
• New vs. Old - the limbic system emerged in the first mammals and includes the hippocampus (specialized to coordinate basic drives and motivations) the amygdala (specialized for emotional learning and responding)and other parts of the brain that a variety of functions including emotion. The frontal cortex is newer (in terms of evolution) and help us to make new associations and to engage in thinking, planning, and decision making. Those who have suffered damage to their frontal cortex are often hypersexual and aggressive. However those who have suffered damage to their limbic system become unable to make simple decisions or to set goals -- despite performing normally on tests of intelligence and knowledge of social rules and moral principles -- since their "emotional brain" can not guide them to make instant and automatic decisions and they must analyze the pros and cons of every decision.
• Controlled vs. Automatic - Controlled processing is limited since we can only think consciously about one thing at a time but automatic processes run in parallel and can handle many tasks at once. Controlled processing requires language and words to analyze and plan so is much newer (in terms of evolution) than automatic processes.

The analogy Haidt prefers to use is that our divided mind is like a rider on the back of an elephant, based on this quote from Buddha:

In days gone by this mind of mine used to stray wherever the selfish desire or lust or pleasure would lead it. Today this mind does not stray and is under the harmony of control, even as a wild elephant is controlled by the trainer.

Haidt also tells us that when you tell yourself to "not" do something (for example, "don't make a fool of yourself") this triggers automatic processes that monitor your "not" doing something (for example, finding signs of foolishness). I found this very interesting since it feels true; I have often felt that when I'm more worried or afraid that I'll embarrass myself that I'm more likely to do something embarrassing and I find that things tend to work out better when you're confident and happy.

Chapter Two, Changing Your Mind, starts with these two quotes:

The whole universe is change and life itself it but what you deem it. - Marcus Aurelius

What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow; our life is the creation of our mind. - Buddha

Yes the quote from Buddha was one Haidt already used in the Introduction. But the crazy part of this chapter is the theory that we each have a like-o-meter that's always running and subconsciously decides what we like and dislike. We've all heard about the 1980s research on affective priming that showed that Americans of all ages, classes, and political affiliations react with a flash of negativity to subliminally flashed photos of black faces (as opposed to white faces).

But what I hadn't heard about what Brett Pelham's research that one's like-o-meter is triggered by one's own name!

• People named Dennis or Denise are slightly more likely than people with other names to become dentists.
• Lawrence and Laurie are more likely to become lawyers.
• Louis and Louise are more likely to move to Louisiana or St. Louis.
• George and Georgina are more likely to move to Georgia.
• And People are slightly more likely to marry people whose names sound like their own, even if the similarity is just sharing a first initial.

So Haidt concludes that life is what we decide it is, but we decide instinctively and unconsciously. But there's hope! And Haidt recommends three techniques for changing your mind:

• Meditation - A conscious attempt to focus attention in a nonanalytical way. This is more difficult than it sounds. But give it a shot. Sit still and focus your awareness only on your breathing, or on a word or phrase, or on an image, and let no other words, ideas, or images arise in consciousness. Meditation helps to change automatic processes and reduce attachments. It can reduce the frequency of fearful, negative, and grasping thoughts.
• Cognitive Therapy - This is one of the most effective treatments for depression and anxiety. Cognitive therapy works by teaching the client to be aware of their thoughts, naming the distortions, and finding alternative and accurate ways of thinking, thereby changing their automatic thoughts.
• Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) - SSRIs include Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Celexa, and Lexapro. SSRIs can repair the minor neural damage to the hippocampus that occurs when people have high levels of stress hormones and research has shown them to be as effective as cognitive therapy. Hmm...

Chapter Three, Reciprocity with a Vengeance, starts with these two quotes:

Zigong asked: "Is there any single word that could guide one's entire life?" The master said: "Should it not be reciprocity? What you do not wish for yourself, do not do to others. - Analects of Confucius

What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow; our life is the creation of our mind. - Rabbi Hillel, 1st Century BCE

I like how the one from Confucius has the same message as the often quoted "Do onto others as you would have them do onto you" from the Bible. It goes to show that the world's religions have more in common than is obvious.

Haidt says that tit-for-tat -- be nice on the first round of interaction, but after that do to your partner whatever your partner did to you on the previous round -- is built into human nature.

This chapter also teaches us that 100 to 150 is the "natural" group size within which people can know just about everyone else by name and face and know how each person is related to everyone else and that success in our ultra-social species is largely dependent on how good you are at being social ("It's not what you know, it's who you know.'").

Gossip allows us to keep track of people's reputations without having to witness them personally, which explains why we humans today live in groups larger than the "natural" size. In fact, Haidt would say that my writing this blog illustrates this idea -- that we all have an urge to tell friends and family about anything we learn that amazes or fascinates us. Gossip is overwhelmingly critical and primarily about the moral and social violations of others because it allows people to share their sense of what is right and what is wrong. Haidt believes that gossip is underappreciated and without it people would get away with selfish, rude and antisocial acts.

And finally Chapter Four, The Faults of Others, starts with these quotes:

Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? . . . You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye. - Matthew 7:3-5

It is easy to see the faults of others, but difficult to see one's own faults. One shows the faults of others like chaff winnowed in the wind, but one conceals one's own faults as a cunning gambler conceals his dice. - Buddha

So Haidt says that we are all hypocrites and that we enjoy condemning other's hypocrisy (gossiping) and thus compound our own. I suppose a recent example of this would be the scandal of Eliot Spitzer after he had built his career on morals and values and how outraged we all were by it.

And interestingly when Americans and Europeans are asked to rate themselves on virtues, skills, or other desirable traits (intelligence, driving ability, sexual skills, and ethics), a large majority say they are above average; but only a small majority in East Asian countries rate themselves as above average.

Similarly, Haidt discusses Roy Baumeister's theory of "the myth of pure evil" which states:

• Evildoers are pure in their evil motives - they have no motives for their actions beyond sadism and greed
• Victims are pure in their victimhood - they did nothing to bring about their victimization
• Evil comes from the outside and is associated with a group or force that attacks our group
• Anyone who questions the application of the myth is in league with evil

Hmm...this sounds a lot like the tactics used by our current President.

And Baumeister also concludes that violence and cruelty have four main causes:

• greed/ambition - violence for direct personal gain
• sadism - pleasure in hurting people
• high self-esteem - if it is unrealistic or narcissistic and easily threatened by reality
• moral idealism - the belief that your violence is a means to a moral end

Six more chapters to go!

Authentic Happiness in Marriage

Yesterday, I read Parts I (Positive Emotion) & II (Strengths & Virtue) of Martin E. P. Seligman's Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment and I've just finished the chapter on Love in Part III (In the Mansions of Life).

In this chapter, Seligman shares his ideas on marriage. First, research shows that married people -- across the seventeen nations that psychologists have surveyed -- have the least depression (followed by never-married, divorced once, people co-habitating, and people divorced twice).

In other words, marriage -- stable, pair-bonding, romantic love -- is good for you! Why? Seligman says it is because marriage is the only arrangement that gives us all three kinds of love:

• "love of the people who give us comfort, acceptance, and help, who bolster our confidence and guide us." This is like a child's love of his/her parents.
• "people who depend on us for these provisions." This is like a parent's love for his/her child.
• "romantic love - the idealization of another, idealizing their strengths and virtues and downplaying their shortcomings."

In addition to these types of love, Authentic Happiness describes three styles of love:

• secure - people who have this style of love tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders. The secure style benefits care giving, sex-life, and coping with bad events.
• avoidant - people who have this style of love are less comfortable depending on others and opening up to others. These people tend to prefer their own autonomy -- oftentimes at the expense of their close relationships. Although they often have high self-confidence, they sometimes come across as hostile or competitive by others, and this often interferes with their close relationships.
• anxious - people who have this style of love tend to worry about whether their partners really love them and often fear rejection. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can interfere with their relationships.

Seligman also recommends these books about marriage (though he thinks most books on marriage are focused on how to make a bad marriage tolerable instead of making a good marriage even better):

• Reconcilable Differences by Andrew Christensen and Neil Jacobsen
• The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman
• Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, New and Revised by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg

John Gottman is the University of Washington in Seattle professor who's known for being able to predict divorce with over 90 percent accuracy by watching couples interact for twelve hours each day for an entire weekend in his "love lab" (a comfortable apartment with all the amenities of home plus two-way mirrors). The predictors of divorce are:

• A harsh startup in disagreement
• Criticism of partner, rather than complaints
• Displays of contempt
• Hair-trigger defensiveness
• Lack of validation (particularly stonewalling)
• Negative body language

In addition, Gottman accurately predicts which marriages will improve by simply devoting an extra five hours per week to their marriage:

• Partings - before these couples say goodbye each morning, they find out one thing that each is going to do that day (2 minutes per day, 5 days a week)
• Reunions - at the end of each workday, these couples have a low-stress reunion conversation (20 minutes per day, 5 days a week)
• Affection - touching, grabbing, holding, and kissing, all laced with tenderness and forgiveness (5 minutes per day, 7 days a week)
• One weekly date - just the happy couple in a relaxed atmosphere, updating their love (2 hours once a week)
• Admiration and appreciation - every day, genuine affection and appreciation is given at least once (5 minutes per day, 7 days a week)

Other researchers have shown that optimism helps marriage. As Seligman states, "Satisfied couples see virtues in their partners that are not seen at all by their closest friends."

Back to reading...just three more chapters to go: Raising Children, Reprise and Summary, and Meaning and Purpose.

Seligman's Authentic Happiness: Parts I & II

I've read Parts I (Positive Emotion) & II (Strengths & Virtue) of Martin E. P. Seligman's Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment and I love it!

As I mentioned earlier, the basic concepts are not new to me but it's how Seligman uses science and research that makes this book worth reading!

Here are some of the book's main ideas:

Based on analysis of some two hundred virtue catalogs -- including Aristotle and Plato, Thomas Aquinas and Augustine, the Old Testament, Confucius, Buddha, Lao-Tzu, Bushido (the samurai code), the Koran, Benjamin Franklin, and the Upanishads -- the world's cultures share twenty-four strengths that can be categorized into six core virtues:

Wisdom and knowledge

• Curiosity/Interest in the world
• Love of learning
• Judgment/Critical Thinking/Open-Mindedness
• Ingenuity/Originality/Practical Intelligence/Street Smarts
• Social intelligence/Personal Intelligence/Emotional Intelligence
• Perspective

Courage

• Valor and Bravery
• Perseverance/Industry/Diligence
• Integrity/Genuineness/Honesty

Love and humanity

• Kindness and Generosity
• Loving and allowing oneself to be loved

Justice

• Citizenship/Duty/Teamwork/Loyalty
• Fairness and Equity
• Leadership

Temperance

• Self-control
• Prudence/Discretion/Caution
• Humility and Modesty

Spirituality and transcendence:

• Appreciation of beauty and excellence
• Gratitude
• Hope/Optimism/Future-Mindedness
• Spirituality/Sense of Purpose/Faith/Religiousness
• Forgiveness and Mercy
• Playfulness and Humor
• Zest/Passion/Enthusiasm

Seligman believes that we each possess several signature strengths and that using your signature strengths every day in your life will bring abundant gratification (distinct from pleasures) and authentic happiness.

Seligman defines pleasures as "delights that have clear sensory and strong emotional components, what philosophers call 'raw feels': ecstasy, thrills, orgasm, delight, mirth, exuberance, and comfort" and gratifications as "activities we very much like doing...[that] engage us fully, we become immersed and absorbed in them, and we lose self-consciousness...[and] they last longer...they involve quite a lot of thinking and interpretation, they do not habituate easily and they are undergirded by our strengths and virtues."

The pleasures can be categorized as follows:

• high-intensity: rapture, bliss, ecstasy, thrill, hilarity, euphoria, kick, buzz, elation, and excitement
• moderate-intensity: ebullience, sparkle, vigor, glee, mirth, gladness, good cheer, enthusiasm, attraction, and fun
• low-intensity: comfort, harmony, amusement, satiation, and relaxation

Based on his research, Seligman teaches readers to enhance pleasure by:

• preventing habituation - space out pleasurable activities so that they happen just frequently enough to keep making you happy, and even better "arrange it so that the people you live with or otherwise see frequently surprise each other with 'presents' of pleasure." An unexpected cup of coffee, her favorite artist's new album when she arrives home, a simple note of gratitude and appreciation.
• savoring pleasures - "basking (receiving praise and congratulations), thanksgiving (expressing gratitude for blessings), marveling (losing the self in the wonder of the moment), and luxuriating (indulging the senses."
• mindful attention to the present - meditation helps with this one

Authentic happiness, Seligman's research indicates, has social, intellectual and physical benefits such as increased creativity, improved memory, boosted, productivity, better health and longevity.

Sounds good to me :)

My favorite part of Authentic Happiness so far is this Buddhist story about mindfulness:

After three years of study, the novice monk arrives at the dwelling of his teacher. He enters the room, bursting with ideas about knotty issues of Buddhist metaphysics and well-prepared for the deep questions that await him in his examination.

“I have but one question”, his teacher intones."I am ready, master," he replies.

“In the doorway, you have just passed through, were the flowers to the left or to the right of the umbrella?”

The novice retires, abashed for three more years of study.

I'm very excited to learn more about positive psychology!

Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment by Martin E. P. Seligman

Just started Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment by Martin E. P. Seligman and am very much enjoying it so far. The basic concepts (money cannot buy happiness, finding meaning in life does lead to happiness) are not ground breaking but that Seligman backs these up with science and research, well that's what does it for me!

Seligman is the founder of Positive Psychology, a new branch of psychology which focuses on the study of positive emotions, strengths-based character, and healthy institutions. As you probably know, psychology to date has largely focused on the abnormal. While this has done a great deal to treat mental illness, it hasn't done much to help average folks live better lives.

Seligman's research at the University of Pennsylvania has demonstrated that it is possible to learn to be happier — to feel more satisfied, to be more engaged with life, find more meaning, have higher hopes, and probably even laugh and smile more, regardless of one’s circumstances. Positive psychology interventions can also lastingly decrease depression symptoms.

Click here to read an except of Chapter One of Authentic Happiness. Here are the Parts/Chapter titles in case you're curious:

Part I Positive Emotion
1. Positive Feeling and Positive Character
2. How Psychology Lost Its Way and I Found Mine
3. Why Bother to Be Happy?
4. Can You Make Yourself Lastingly Happier?
5. Satisfaction about the Past
6. Optimism about the Future
7. Happiness in the Present

Part II Strength and Virtue
8. Renewing Strength and Virtue
9. Your Signature Strength

Part III In the Mansions of Life
10. Work and Personal Satisfaction
11. Love
12. Raising Children
13. Reprise and Summary
14. Meaning and Purpose

Positive psychology seems like an interesting and exciting new field and I've checked out several other library books to learn all I can:

• The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom by Jonathan Haidt
• The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want by Sonja Lyubomirsky
• The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less by Barry Schwartz

Any other recommended books on Positive Psychology?